The Counterintuitive Key to De-Escalating Conflict
[Please note: The views and opinions expressed in each post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of BayNVC as a whole.]
Hi Friend,
I was chatting with a friend about some tension he’s experiencing with his partner. He was clearly frustrated, telling me, “My partner gets upset. I try using Nonviolent Communication, I empathize and reflect, and she just gets more annoyed. She’ll say, ‘Stop that!’ I asked about his energy and tone when he empathizes and reflects, and he replied proudly, ‘I get very zen and super calm.’
‘And she gets more upset, and you get more calm?’ This long-time meditator nodded, and he seemed pretty proud of himself. He was unwittingly fanning the flames of her anger. I’ve seen this before. I asked him to pretend I was his wife and that he was enraged about something I did, like I had forgotten to pay an important bill. And he said, ‘How could you do that? They’re going to charge us $50 in fees! You keep doing this!’ angrily. I responded with a very calm, ‘I get it. Are you tired of this pattern because you want some dependability?’ Then I asked him to notice how that felt. ‘Annoyed,’ he said. I then asked him to be upset again, and this time I matched his anger somewhat, saying, ‘I get it! Are you tired of this pattern because you want some dependability?!’
He immediately noticed that the latter response resonated better with him, as it acknowledged the emotional weight of the situation. One concept in Nonviolent Communication is that empathy is attunement. Attunement involves more than words; it’s about the energy you project and your body language. I imagined his wife, when she’s intensely upset on hearing and feeling his calm zen tone, might have felt lonely. When it comes to empathy, dialing into the energy of the person you’re interacting with is a way of accompanying them through whatever they are facing. By aligning with their energy, you are helping them feel your engagement. It’s not about matching their upset exactly but showing them that you are with them.
How does this work out practically? If, for example, someone is angry at the level of 7, I try to be at a 5 or 6—feeling into their emotion. My intention is to be with them, not attack them and escalate the situation. By paralleling their emotional state but dialed down slightly, it connects and is a more effective way of de-escalation. I’m curious to hear what your experiences are with this tip, feel free to email me.
There is a lot of nuance and depth to this teaching, more than I can write in this short post. Delving into the richness of human interaction is why I love the Nonviolent Communication and the work I do. I’d love to help you navigate any relationship or communication challenges you’re facing. I’m available for personalized coaching sessions to support your specific needs.
And while the example in this post is a marriage, these tools are helpful in friendships, family and at work. This is a big part of what we explore in the Leadership Series, offered twice a year. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being real, relational, and willing to keep learning.
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Take care,
Phoenix
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