Making Clear Requests

May 3, 2023 In Articles By Lisa Montana

Making Clear Requests

[Please note: The views and opinions expressed in each post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of BayNVC as a whole.]

REQUESTS VS. DEMANDS

In Collaborative Communication (aka Nonviolent Communication or NVC), we often discuss ways to make a clear and doable request, so folks know what we’re asking and, we hope, agree to do it. But we’re not always so precise about the distinction between requests and demands.

So what’s the difference?

Part of the distinction is about tone of voice: Are we speaking respectfully (request) or are we shouting (demand)? Another difference is the kind of language we use: Are we asking, “Would you be willing to come to work 30 minutes early tomorrow?” (request) or are we insisting, “You better get here early or you’re fired!” (demand). But here’s the most important part:

For a request to truly be a request, it has to be okay for the other person to say “no.”

You can ask politely, you can use the most beautiful language in the world, but if the other person says “no” and you’re angry (or enraged), and most especially if you deliver a punishment, that wasn’t a request—that was a demand.

Sometimes it’s appropriate to make a demand. If your child runs into the street and you see a car coming, it’s not time for a request. This is the moment to shout, “Get out of the road!” or grab the kid’s arm and pull them to safety.

But when you do make a demand, it’s important to be honest that you’re not giving the other person a choice—because no one likes deception—and be prepared to deal with the consequences.

GOODWILL BANK ACCOUNT

During a workshop years ago, Miki Kashtan (cofounder of BayNVC) introduced a concept that I’ve found invaluable. As I understand it, every time you make a demand, forcing someone to do things your way, without considering their needs, you lose some of their faith and support. You can think of this as having a bank account that contains the other person’s goodwill. When you make an executive decision without including their input, the bank balance goes down. If you do this often, the other person—whether they’re a friend, partner, family member, coworker or client—becomes resentful and eventually the account goes bankrupt. If this person can leave the relationship, they usually will. If they have to stay, they’re likely to sabotage your interactions, either on purpose or unconsciously.

On the other hand, every time you make a collaborative decision that includes the other person’s needs, the bank balance goes up. Over the long haul, you gain their goodwill, building trust, connection, respect and loyalty.

REQUESTS: SPECIFIC + MEASURABLE + IDENTIFY NEEDS

For a request to be doable, it needs to be specific and measurable, so everyone is on the same page and understands the agreement. If you can also tell the other person what needs (of yours and/or theirs) will be met, that’s even better: this makes your question more compelling and increases the chances of getting a “yes.”

For example, it’s not effective to ask, “Can you help me out?” because it’s too vague. You and the other person may have completely different pictures of what “help” means. It’s much more useful to say:

“Would you be willing to proofread this client proposal and give me edits to make it stronger? I’d need to get your input by Tuesday at noon. And I’d want you to spend a max of 30 minutes on reviewing the document. Getting help with this would give me a sense of relief—and confidence that it will impress the client.”

Here you’ve made a very specific and measurable request; you’ve also told the other person what needs of yours (for relief and confidence) will be met. Everyone understands what’s being asked for.

In this example, you haven’t directly told the other person what needs of theirs might be met, but we can make some guesses. If your colleague reviews your document, it might satisfy their core values to: contribute to your well-being; offer care and support; have a sense of partnership and teamwork; be valued for their skill and expertise; and create a sense of reciprocity, by building trust that they, too, can ask for help when they need it.

EXAMPLES

Here are more details of a clear and authentic request. Your goal is to ask for something that’s specific and measurable, so there’s a shared reality and everyone comprehends the agreement. Think about exactly what you’d like the other person to do. When do you want them to do it? How much time will it take? Then tell the other person something about WHY you’re making this request. What needs of yours will it meet? What needs of theirs might be met?

1. Use positive language

Try to ask for what you DO want, instead of talking about what you DON’T want. This is both clearer and more engaging.

Negative language

“Stop nagging me all the time.”

Positive language

“Would you please tell me just one time what you’re angry about and then give me 5 minutes to think about what you’ve said?”